This past week I felt completely misunderstood.

Picture it; on Monday morning I contentedly sipped my coffee on our lanai (anyone who has ever watched “Golden Girls” knows why I like to call it a lanai).   I was mentally preparing for a big meeting I had.  As I rehearse what points I want to hit during my meeting, the home phone rings.  We have this funny caller-id phone that speaks the caller’s name out loud before you pick it up.  The technology could use some improvement though, because it always mispronounces the name, and sounds more like a startled drunk lady.  On this morning I hear the phone say “Call from Ja-nube!”  Ja-nube?  Who the hell is Ja-nube?  I look at the screen and see that it is my good friend Daniel.

“Hey, Daniel, what’s up?”

“Did you get my text?” he says tensely.

“Today?”

“No, my text on SA-TUR-DAY!”

Now, you don’t have to be Jean Dixon to tell that Daniel was irritated with me.  Daniel and I speak pretty often; it’s common for us to call each other for advice, just to chat, to kill time and catch up.

“You ignored my text!  And I had an emergency!”  Daniel is livid; he spends the next ten minutes telling me that Saturday was one of the worst days of his life.  “And you know what?  I feel like you’re never available for me when I need you.”

“Daniel, I have no idea what you’re talking about!  All you said in your text on Saturday was “Call me, I want to ask you a question”.

“Well I got fired!”,  he sobs.

Ouch. I had no idea.

Daniel spends the next few minutes venting about his day, and how I should have been there for him.  I glance over at the clock and remember that I have a super-important meeting soon, and I am going to be late if I don’t hop in the shower now.  My mind starts racing.  When a good friend says that they feel like you aren’t available for them, how do you tell them that in this exact moment you aren’t available for them?

“Ok, listen.  Please, calm down, take a deep breath.”

I spend a couple more minutes listening to Daniel update me on his disastrous Saturday, trying not to focus on the fact that I am risking bad hair for my meeting.  Okay, I know how that sounds.  Without going into detail, this is the kind of meeting where good hair actually plays a part.

“Daniel, I am really sorry that you had such a hard day.  I had no idea.  I want to talk about this, but I have an important appointment and I really need to go.”  I promise to call him later.

I put down the phone and jump up because now I am late.  I quickly shower, throw on my clothes and race out the door, but I can’t seem to shake this feeling of irritation.  Is he kidding me?  Not there for him?  That is insane!  I can count dozens of times in the past 6 months that I have been on the phone with Daniel, listening when he is upset.

Throughout the day I had really strong feelings of annoyance with Daniel.  The echoing sentiment that I am not there for my friends really hurt me.  The funny part is, I have built my career around helping people through readings and coaching.  I spend the majority of my day working with clients who are dealing with life issues, and I devote much of my free time listening to friends and helping when I can.  I do it because I love connecting with people.

However, if I don’t disconnect and recharge at some point, it can start to drain me. There is a certain time every evening that David and I turn off our phones so that we can be together and relax.  Don’t I deserve a break too?  The problem is, that in the age of caller-id, cell phones and text messaging, everyone knows how instantly reachable we are.  Loved ones can easily feel offended if they think that you are ignoring them.

After I had time to cool down and reflect on what happened, I realized that Daniel felt rejected by his job, and later felt rejected by me.  Of course that is not what I wanted.  I called him and explained as best as I could that I was not trying to ignore him, but I was immersed in enjoying my weekend and did not know that he was having an emergency.

These kinds of moments happen frequently in life, and modern technology does not always help.

In my opinion, texting is a blessing and a curse when it comes to relationships.  If I forget to put milk on the grocery list, I can text David in the supermarket “get milk” without having to call.  I much prefer getting a text from the dentist reminding me of my appointment;  that receptionist is just too chatty on the phone.  However, wires can easily get crossed when you text something important to a friend.  Sarcasm can be misconstrued as pure nastiness, and a simple joke can sound cruel and hurtful.  How can anyone really understand your sentiment when they can’t hear your voice?

In my opinion, text messages should only be used for non-essential communication.  If what I have to say is that important, I will pick up the phone and call.

Thankfully, Daniel and I were able to work things out.  Instead of getting defensive, we talked about our feelings and came to understand each other.  I could see that he only wanted to feel supported by a friend, and he saw that my wanting to “disconnect” had nothing to do with him.  We agreed that we would limit our text messages to casual communication (such as “did you see that rerun of Oprah and Gayle’s road trip?  I love them!”).

At the end of the day, we all just want to be heard.  However, I think it’s human nature to see a situation solely from our perspective.  The secret to being heard is listening to what the other person is saying first.  Only then will they be open to hearing your point of view, because they will know that you heard them.  This week I invite you to really listen to those around you. Whether you agree with them or not, try to repeat back or “mirror” what they are saying to you.  You will be amazed at how quickly they will be open to resolving the issue.  You may even have a few extra minutes to work on your hair!