I’ve always been punctual. Every day when I call clients, I dial their numbers at the exact moment the clock strikes their appointment time. I am usually greeted with “man, you are always right on time!” Punctuality has always been easy for me, and it’s my way of showing respect. Whether I’m invited to a dinner party, a quick coffee or a business lunch, you can bet that I will be on time. Not only that, I am probably circling the block because I’m early.
This past Sunday night I was prepping for my week. After a fairly decadent food weekend (pesto lasagna anyone?) I decided to take a 9:30am Spin class on Monday. I woke up a little earlier than usual so I could still have my daily coffee and brainstorming session. After double-checking to make sure that class was happening, I noticed with disappointment that Steve* was the instructor.
I have a lot of mixed feelings about Steve. He is technically my favorite Spin teacher. His music is really fun and motivating. His classes are hard, and one can easily justify Mexican food on the day you suffer through one. He is also, however, the epitome of LA cockiness, meaning he is dripping with self-importance.
I arrived to class at 9:25am, with just enough time to set up my bike, stretch, and get in the “zone”. I must give Steve credit for his consistency, as he sauntered in at 9:41am. He tends to average being 10-15 minutes late for every class. In fact, I can safely say that I don’t think he has ever been on time. For a while I have observed how rude I find this behavior. There are young mothers in here who schedule their nanny time around this class, not to mention the hard working people who take time out of their jobs to exercise. Everyone who comes to this class has scheduled their day around the assumption that the instructor will be on time.
Admittedly, I have tried some passive aggressive ways of expressing my irritation. One time when he entered the classroom 15 minutes late, I slowly got off my bike and left the room in protest. I sure showed him! I checked our gym’s online reviews to see if other people had complained about his tardiness, and then posted my own review. The adult part of me even went to gym management and complained – TWICE. But here he is, late again.
As he walked in nonchalantly, I realized that I am intimidated by Steve. He’s an attractive, uber-confident, fit gentlemen in his early thirties. He always strides in wearing a perfectly fitted gym outfit that highlights his superman shoulders, and acts like we should all be grateful that we’re in his presence.
“Anyone taking this class for the first time?” he asks the group without any acknowledgement of his lateness. No apology. Nothing.
In life I tend to be a people pleaser. At a restaurant, if my order is wrong I rarely say anything to the server, because I don’t want to bother them. It’s fairly common for me to spend an entire evening with someone mispronouncing my name, and I just let it slide rather than possibly create an awkward situation. Yet in this moment, sitting in class with the instructor clearly disrespecting everyone who arrived on time, something in my consciousness shifted.
“Are there any comments, questions or concerns?” He asked while looking at his iphone.
In a flash of sheer confidence I raised my right hand.
“You are my favorite teacher, but you are constantly late and it feels disrespectful to us.”
You could hear a pin drop in that room. I could see the reflection of other students in the mirror with a look of I can’t believe you just said that.
“And what would you like me to do with that information?” Steve blankly replied.
“I’d like you to respect our time and show up when class is scheduled to begin.”
“You know, I actually have a pretty important life outside of here,” he said. Remember my comment about LA cockiness? Now it was my turn for my facial expression to say I can’t believe you just said that.
Did he really just imply that his life is more important than the twenty or so people that arrived on time, prepared and ready to participate in this class? I took a deep breath, reminded myself of my intention and politely replied:
“I think we all have important lives.”
Steve and I locked eyes and then he looked up at the clock. We are now 15 minutes past the start of class and he knows it. To his credit he took a deep breath and seemed to relax a bit.
“I will…try to arrive earlier next time.”
“Fair enough.”
As class started, several people turned around and smiled at me. One woman even mouthed the words THANK YOU to me.
As we exercised for the next 55 minutes, I reflected on how often we tend to disregard our needs in life. How often have you swallowed your voice out of politeness, in a situation where you aren’t being respected? More importantly, how often are you expressing your voice from your true core?
Every day we are inundated with opportunities to step into our power. I know in my life, sometimes I let these moments slip away out of a desire to be easygoing. Many times in work situations I won’t express a need because I don’t want to be difficult. With family obligations I will often just go with the flow rather than make things “difficult”.
I believe it’s human nature to let some of these natural moments slide. The real question though, is are you getting too comfortable dodging these scenarios and losing your power?
I’m going to give Steve the benefit of the doubt that he will try and show up to his class on time. But the real lesson is already learned for me. I felt so much calmer that day having expressed myself. I had a choice, I could have sucked it up and kept my mouth shut and been irritated for the rest of my day. But this time I claimed my space and expressed myself. I believe that there is a ripple effect with that. As we express our needs and our voice, we attract more power and respect to us.
Ask yourself, how often are you voicing your needs? Where could you be more bold and assertive? Please comment below, I love hearing your feedback!
Give yourself a chance and I can guarantee your day will feel smoother.
Much love,
Dougall
*The instructor’s name has been changed to protect his identity. “Steve” beat out “Mister Latey-pants” by a small margin.
14 Responses
You are my hero! That was a brave thing you did, and you rocked it.
Love it, Dougall! Not voicing my inner truth is part of my people pleasing gene that I still need to work on. Thanks for the reminder!!I I did a Norma Rae at a team buidling event I had to attend for a job. I've been thinking about blogging about it and now I am inspired to do just that. Thanks for that too!
Thanks for the reminder. I belong to that polite club and it's very hard to fight back all that decorum that was drilled into me by my very appropriate Southern mother.
Good job! I am the one in my family that always speaks up, and my fam, especially my mother, usually applaudes me for being so brave. Sometimes, she even calls me for advice on what to say when she can't find the words to speak up for herself! (?) And, there are times when I get, " Oh you shouldn't be so honest" from people. Sometimes the price you pay is loss of friends, but it's whatever… I gotta be me!
Way to Go!! Recently I also expressed myself, only to a group of very very good friends who always rely on me to make dinner ("you are the chef afterall"), clean up the kitchen before dinner ("who wants to look at that mess while you are eating") and then get up and do dishes. When I asked 2-3ppl by name to come up and do the dishes all faces where aghast. It wasn't until much later that one of my friends told me that she was deathly ill at that time and was trying to keep it in. I thought she was just French and lazy 🙂 So, now I'm back to holding it in!!
Hi Dougall! I want you to know what a wide grin was across my face as I read your entire blog. Thank you so much for sharing this story, I could see the whole thing unfolding and just loved every minute of it! I love that you give people the benefit of the doubt, even *Steve and really share your process with us. You are a gem to witness & I thank you for your refreshing "spin" on the subtleties in life and how everyday, our perspective is changing the world! Blessings & hugs, Anna Rose ❤️
I would have done the same thing!!! Good for you!!
I love it! I would have a lot of trouble speaking up like that, so I applaud you! I think there are a lot of us who would just not go to Steve's classes, and that isn't the way to handle it. That's letting someone else bully us. I think it speaks volumes though, that you have complained to management and it has changed nothing. If Steve continues his late habit, perhaps you should tell him that you get X number of dollars per 15 minutes and you will be sending him a bill for wasting that portion of your time! Send a copy to the gym and get others to do the same. 🙂 That would send a powerful message!
Thanks Dougall. Your blog today, was totally in sync with what my campus support person and I have been discussing over the past two meet-ups. We decided to work on my 'core'/personal power.
Like you, I'm also so polite that I don't speak up when people have treated me inappropriately, or a product or order is incorrect. It's true that I grew up in a home where I wasn't supposed to speak up, be myself, be sucessful being myself, make waves… I was to be a silent mirror and reflect how talented and wonderful my mom supposedly was.
Now in my 60's. I find myself a senior at my local university…working on earning my 1st college degree. During this journey, I've started to find myself, my creative self, my real self. And…I've started to step into my core, my personal power.
It's scary. Sometimes, it doesn't go over well. Everyone's been used to thinking "oh Sal will understand…(again…). Or "I can put her in (what I think should be) her place…and she'll just shrink back and stay silent".
But I've realized that part of our soul's journey is to learn how to step into our core, and thoughtfully, ask that we be treated with the same respect and consideration that we try to show our fellow human beings.
I'm still a work in progress…but at least I've started to see the energy in my life shift, to see that every day, every moment, is full of potential to make my life…and the world…a better place.
Thank you for the gift of your blog message today.
Namaste,
Sal
I love this Dougall Rae! What an inspiration you are!
Thanks for sharing your vulnerabilities and humanness with us. And thanks for not being THAT (*Steve) person who thinks their life and their time is more important than anyone else's (even though I'd totally let you get away with it! *wink)
I will see you at the Seattle workshop and be in my seat early! lol!
Thank you Dougall. You rock!!! I have to say recently my favorite spin instructor has been on time. I believe the universe had heard you and rely the message to her. 🙂
On the flip side, I tend to internally bottle up my concerns and not express myself. I will do my best and take back my power. Thank you again for your blog.
millie
Many years ago when I came to America from Dublin, Ireland, I truly had no voice. It was in America I was determined to find it. It was in America I found out people actually complained and didn't get whacked by the server or their Mother. I was astounded. It was in America I found my voice. And when my younger sister came to live with me, she too without a voice, from a desperate childhood of not ever been asked what we liked, she too found her voice and I helped her. It was in Starbucks when she first used it. Her drink was pretty crappy. I told her to go back up and order another. She was mortified. I urged her to go, I smiled at her, told her this was America and it was ok to ask for what you needed. Really, she asked? Yes, yes. Watching my younger sister take that walk raised my vibrational frequency just by being present, and watching her walk back to her chair, smiling, her confidence finding some kind of root in her transplanted body, I knew she would be ok. Finding our voice is not always easy or complicated, sometimes it can be a simple thank you or bless you, or a no thanks. I loved this article. Thank you.
Well done Dougall, I can resonant with what you wrote. I find having to go through a short-term uncomfortable period of speaking up always pays off with long-term benefits. Its that or having to suffer from periods of sore throats for not speaking up!
Standing up for myself throughout my life has backfired 9 times our of 10.
Obviously, they sensed the weak trying to be bold, didn't like the way I stood up for myself, and/or just plain didn't like or respect me…
Probably it was a law of attraction thing. But that gets tedious too.I agree with you Dougall…but sticking up for myself just hasn't gone as smoothly as I would have hoped…
I think one has to have true confidence for it to work. It's a process : – )