This week David and I will celebrate our fourth year of marriage. It is only as I sit down to write this that I realize our wedding is during the same month as gay pride! That was not planned at all. We selected the date based on where we wanted to get married and what seemed to work for the majority of our families. Planning our wedding was a very profound energetic experience. Weddings can bring up so many feelings and issues for both sides of the family. I don’t think our parents’ generation grew up brainstorming and fantasizing about what their gay son’s wedding would look like. In fairness, I never thought about it either. When I first came out, I figured I would have to give up on certain rights of passage. Attending a prom, having children, getting married, public displays of affection – the list could go on. In the naiveté of my youth I just assumed and accepted that these things would not be a part of my life. As I matured and fell in love with David, my heart and soul blossomed; I wanted the same experiences as my heterosexual friends and family.

In the course of our eight years together, I think David will agree that I tend to be ready for the next move a little before he is. And when it came to the idea of getting married, I was ready way before David. The topic of marriage came up when we had been together for three years. I would tell David that it was starting to feel important to me. We attended many of our good friends’ weddings, and I loved the idea of committing to each other in front of our community. It was an important step for our loved ones to witness. It had nothing to do with the legal aspect of getting married, as at the time gay marriage was not recognized in NY (where we lived).

The day that we got engaged, David and I were on vacation in Curacao at this amazing resort called The Lodge at Kura Hulanda. The Lodge had only recently opened so it was still an undiscovered gem. The hotel is on the Western end of the island, perched on the side of a cliff. We discovered that every afternoon around 5:30PM, the beach would become deserted. We would slowly descend the stone stairs and wade into the clear blue water. After a few minutes of floating, we would glance from side to side to make sure the coast was clear, start laughing, and then slip our bathing suits off. Every day we would swim for about an hour, watching the sun set all alone in the water.

“So I have been thinking,” David says.
“Well don’t hurt yourself.”
“Stop it.” David playfully splashes me.
“I’m kidding – what have you been thinking?”
“Wanna get married?” David asks.
“Are you serious?”
“I am.”
“I do!”
“My family is going to freak out,” David says. “I need a drink!” We spent the rest of the night in our own utopia.

In this moment we weren’t worried about civil unions versus marriage, or a Christian vs. Jewish service. We were two young people in love, two souls who want to spend the rest of their lives together. We wanted to create a home, and encourage each other to be the best that we can be. Most importantly, we wanted the support of our soul group.

When we returned to New York, we decided to tell my family first about the news. I have been very blessed with a constant source of unconditional love from my family. My mother, my father and sister were immediately delighted. A bouquet of flowers arrived, a crystal vase from Tiffany’s, and they welcomed David into their hearts with great ease. Unfortunately, David’s family did not have as positive of a reaction. We weren’t shocked that they spent the next year of wedding planning basically pretending it wasn’t happening.

As June 10th, 2007 kept getting closer and closer, I would be as present as possible for David as he processed the pain that almost none of his family would be attending our wedding. Everyone around us kept telling him that they’ll come around with time. “Just give it time” was the echoing sentiment. Seven days before the wedding itself, we only had his mother and one sister’s confirmation that they would be there.

“He says he can’t stomach it,” David says as he puts down the phone.
“David, I am so sorry.”

My biggest fear for the wedding weekend seems so silly in hindsight. I didn’t have cold feet. I wasn’t worried about being in front of all those people. I even felt fairly confident saying our vows in Hebrew. What I was most worried about was kissing David in front of his family. As a gay man, I started to get very comfortable knowing when I was safe and when I wasn’t safe. Walking the streets of the Upper West Side in New York City, and holding David’s hand – safe. Holding hands and kissing in parts of Dallas (where I used to live) – questionable. Being affectionate in front of my family and our friends – safe. Being affectionate around David’s religious family – not safe.

The night before the big event, my anxiety level about David’s mother and sister was through the roof. My 91-year-old grandmother, my sister and my aunt threw us a beautiful rehearsal dinner. Seventy of us sat under a tent overlooking Peconic Bay, and ate lobsters. After dinner, many of our friends stood to toast and affirm our love. The profound energy and love that was sent our way is indescribable. My parents’ conservative friends would stand and admit that they had changed their minds about gay marriage, and felt so lucky to know us. Our peers would tell silly stories and send us good wishes. As I looked around the room I could feel the support, energy and love.

When it was our turn to stand and address our loved ones, I explained my apprehension and fear about kissing David. This is such a simple human behavior, and yet for me (and I think for many gay people) it’s something that does not always feel safe to do in public. When we check into this hotel will they be rude about us requesting one bed? Is it safe to hug or hold hands in this mall, store, airport, street, city, or restaurant? Feeling safe to be one’s authentic self is something that many people take for granted.

“I am about to kiss David and I want you all to cheer!”

David and I leaned in to kiss, and the entire room burst into a cheerful roar. We hugged and smiled; they applauded, whistled and hollered. It was one of the safest feelings I have ever had. The rest of the wedding events were wonderful. We danced, we kissed, we held hands – we were in love and unstoppable. I even had a moment with David’s Mom where we embraced in tears.

The Monday after the wedding we headed back to New York City to prepare for our honeymoon. We unpacked our clothes and started doing laundry in preparation for our flight.

“Hey Hubby!”
“Yes Davey?”
“Let’s go to the drugstore and get sun block.”

In a blissful haze, we rounded the corner and headed uptown holding hands. Still feeling the high from our wedding weekend, we were beyond excited for our trip to Tahiti. We stopped at the corner of 87th and Broadway, when out of nowhere a teenager around the age of fourteen pops up in front of us. He stops and assumes a mock ballerina pose (hands above his head), and starts twirling on his tippy toes in front of us. His friends behind him are lisping and aggressively waving limp wrists at us. They laugh and run away.

My heart froze. The world cracked for a moment and my entire being was filled with fear. My blissful haze was trampled by a fourteen-year-old homophobe.

“I want to go home,” I shakily said to David.
“I do too.”

When we got back to our apartment, we flopped on the bed and stared at the ceiling in disbelief. My heart and mind were racing. Technically this incident wasn’t even that big of a deal. I have had way worse. I have been walking down a street all alone and had someone scream faggot out of their window as they drive by. I have been called the F-word at school, an airport, Times Square, and a mall. But this moment snapped me into a completely different energy. It was a reminder that our wedding weekend was a bit of a bubble, surrounded by friends and family during a private event. The truth is, in the real world I did, and still do, have to be careful.

The next morning, we hailed a taxi for JFK airport. I got to be in charge of our honeymoon, and I researched for MONTHS. Together we decided on a budget and agreed that I could book whatever I wanted. I found an amazing deal for business class tickets direct from New York to Tahiti.

“Do we really need to get to the airport three hours early?” David asks.
“For what these tickets cost I want every “free” thing they offer!”

Mr. Fraser, Mr Harel, your flight is boarding now. We both finish our glass of champagne and canapes, leave the admirals club and head to our gate. As we step onto the plane, the flight attendant hands us each a Tiare flower and escorts us to our seats. Everyone in business class is clearly going on their honeymoon. You can hear couples giggling. We are all pressing the fancy buttons on our seats. Everyone is taking photos and kissing.

“Excuse me. Do you mind taking our photo?” the man sitting to our left says. He and the lady he’s with are both beaming happiness.
“Of course!” David replies. I watch David stand up and give them posing directions for the photo.
“Okay, lean a little to the left. Now kiss. Adorable. Are you going on your honeymoon?”

David returns to his seat and we both start looking over the menu for our flight.

“There are three meals?”
“Well it is a 13 hour flight.”
“Do you want me to take your photo?” the same man says to us. David and I look at each other for a moment.
“Guys, it’s safe,” this stranger says.

I realize that we probably looked a little nervous. I don’t know this guy. I don’t know this airline. I don’t know these people. We are about to be in the air for 13 hours and I am not sure if it’s a safe environment.

David hands over our camera, we interlock fingers and I put my other arm around him. “Perfect!” the man and his new wife smile. He snaps a shot of us smiling and embracing in our plush comfy seats. The four of us spent about an hour talking about our weddings and where we were each staying in a paradise that was now only 11 hours away.

I share this story in honor of gay pride. We are now residents of the state of California and are grateful to be one of the 18,000 legally married couples in the state. Gay marriage is a hot topic of debate in our current political climate. This week I proudly celebrate the love I have for my husband and the love I have for my community – we still have a long road ahead in our country for equal rights. May we all feel safe to be who we truly are. Much love and light to everyone.