I think that I might be a perfectionist.  Or at least a version of one.  Typically when I think of your quintessential perfectionist, my mind conjures up an image of a 40-something person with perfect hair, skin and nails.  They walk the planet with the kind of body that says “I don’t need things like french fries to have a good time”.  They cook, clean, and balance their checkbooks perfectly.  Basically they are nothing like me.  However, recently I had to own that I suffer from certain perfectionist issues.  On Tuesday morning, as I prepared for our live show I was feeling really confident about it.  We had a terrific guest coming on, Danielle MacKinnon who is a wonderful animal intuitive.  Whenever I prepare for an event or show, I do a lot of talking in my head.  I think of questions to ask.  Maybe I’ll prepare a (hopefully) funny anecdote and try to think of how to make the hour entertaining and informative.  At this point we are about three months into doing our weekly show and it’s starting to feel like a well-oiled machine.  In fact I might be getting overly confident.

“Do you want to brainstorm some optional topics for the show?” David says.

“Nah, Danielle has a super personality – I’m not worried at all.”

“Benny just texted me saying they are in a new studio. and let’s try and connect early to make sure everything is working.”

I vaguely hear what David is saying because I am busy trying to telepathically communicate with our dog, Bernie.

Now Bernie, you tell Danielle whatever you want about David and me.  But make sure to tell her that you love me more.  And please don’t tell her about how I baby-talk to you when we’re alone.  Or how I like to do a coffee dance for you in the morning.

We hop in the car and head over to the studio.  I have always been fascinated with the way TV and radio broadcasts function.  It still amazes me that we tape in a studio in LA, and then the show airs in several cities all over the country and online – and typically that happens seamlessly.  When we arrive in Burbank we are about 25 minutes early as I am early to EVERYTHING.  David and I take our seats in the studio and the technology magic happens.  We use a special ISDN line to make sure that we sound crystal clear during the show.  The show airs on our flagship station KKNW in Seattle, so every Tuesday we dial into their ISDN line from Los Angeles.

I lay out my outline for the show, take a sip of water and start to read aloud as a warm up.

“Danielle Mackinnon. Mack-Kinnon.  Mah-Kinnon.  Muh-Kinnon.  Danielle MacKinnon joins us!”

As I repeat her name over and over I can feel a subtle shift in David’s energy.

“What?”  I ask.

“Nothing, I can’t hear the show in Seattle.”  David says.

I look over at the clock and it’s 9:45am.  We go live at 10:03am.

“Should I get Chachi?”

Chachi is our radio guru.  He owns the studio where we broadcast from —  It’s an amazing place.  They produce The Melissa Etheridge show and work with some of the biggest talents in radio.  Chachi has taught us so much about radio it’s crazy.  Half of the time he talks in radio jargon and I have no idea what he is saying.  I peak my head into his office to get his attention while he’s on the phone.

“…Well, it depends” he says.  “If you’re doing 30-second PI’s for A/C its a different market.”

Huh?  PI?  AC?  L-M-N-O-P?  I have no idea what he is talking about but I’m fascinated by it.

“Chachi can you help us for a minute?”

“Sure Man!”

We both go back to the studio to see David punching several buttons and starting to look a bit nervous.

“I can’t hear them in Seattle, but they can hear us.”

As David stands, Chachi sits down and tests all of the levels, whosiwhatsits, and thingamagigs that make our show work.  But still, nothing.

At about 9:56am I feel like I have had about 13 cups of coffee.  I can feel beads of sweat form on my forehead.  Why didn’t we test the connection over the weekend?  What kind of person doesn’t test the connection first?  I’m the worst connection tester ever!

At 10:02am I am fully panicking.  I have a full-on flop sweat going. There will be dead silence during the hour of my show.  Danielle will not be our guest and all of our callers will not get to ask about their pets.  What now?

“David please call Danielle and tell her we are having technical issues.”

I lean into the mic and tell Benny that I will do the first segment alone and just kind of wing it.  Before I can even finish that sentence Chachi gives me a signal that says you’re on!

As I open my mouth, I realize that every single topic we outlined is geared towards our guest who I can’t hear.  The only thing I can do is be totally honest and explain that we are having technical issues.  My mind is flooded with negative thoughts.  This is going to sound like crap.  I had this show planned out perfectly and now nothing is going right.  I vaguely remember talking about Maria Shriver and Arnold Schwarzenegger splitting up, all the while staring at the clock and trying to fill 12 minutes.  Other thoughts are swirling in my head, preparing me that I might have to do the entire hour this way.  I decide that I need to take a commercial break a little early to collect myself.  I hope that Benny is prepared to go to commercial, even though I don’t know because I can’t hear him.  All of the sudden I hear our theme music in my headphones.  I squeal like a 13 year old girl,  “I CAN HEAR BENNY!!!!!!!!!”

To make a long story short, by the start of our second segment we are back in the swing of things and the rest of the show went off without a hitch.  However, after we left the studio I felt terrible.  My heart was still racing.  And I was really criticizing myself.

After a few hours of being home I had this thought pop up in my mind.  My perspective on that experience isn’t how it sounded at all.  I checked my email, and Benny had sent me the clip of my shrieking “I CAN HEAR BENNY!!”  I started laughing at the sound of my voice and realized, I sounded pretty calm.

I went to the archive on my website – I rarely do this – I don’t really like to listen to my own voice.  But I clicked “listen” and that morning’s show began.  I realized that if I hadn’t mentioned our technical issues, no one would have known at all.  It actually all sounded normal.  Sure, I had to pay more attention to the clock and commercials. Potentially we may not have been able to take calls (during my “call-in advice show), but overall it was a good show.

Perfectionists mean well.  They (and by they I mean me), have a specific idea of how they want a situation to go, and they plan out every last detail in their head.  This is a good thing; it’s how the law of attraction works.  However, if one gets too attached to that exact image, they end up missing out on the good things that are actually happening.    This is the lesson for me this week;  be flexible if the outcome isn’t exactly as planned.    Go with the flow.  If you burn dinner, go out for pizza and enjoy yourself.  It may not be what you want, but it could be exactly what you need.