I come from a long line of planners.
As a small child, I remember my family arriving to the airport a minimum of three hours early, for a domestic flight to Florida. My parents would dress me in a suit and tie for the flight, so that I’d be all ready for dinner with my grandparents that evening.
Getting to the airport hours early was just one part of our planning routine growing up. Any time we had to travel somewhere, every aspect of it was planned at least six months ahead. The hotel, the flight, rental car, itinerary, just about everything was decided ahead of time.
Even then, I remember thinking that it was a bit over the top.
And although I’m not arriving anywhere three hours early these days, I find that planning does make me feel safe. There’s something about minimizing uncertainty that’s just so calming, you know?
Nowadays, “on time” means arriving somewhere twenty minutes early. If I have an appointment, I’d always rather be waiting in the parking lot than rushing because I was late.
When my husband David and I were first dating, he used to get frustrated with how punctual I was. His family is the exact opposite of mine when it comes to planning. They often make travel decisions just days before leaving, and so it took some adjustment on both of our parts.
I like to tell myself that being early and planning for everything is just practical. But I’ve also come to realize that it’s a way to manage anxiety around uncertainty.
After years of healing through introspection, meditation, talk therapy and EMDR, I’ve also come to realize that certain things just don’t need to be planned. I can feel safe even if things don’t go as planned.
For the past few years my mother has “lived” in my sister’s closet. By that I mean her ashes were stored there. And a few weeks ago, my family finally had the opportunity to lay her ashes to rest.
My mom passed away just before the start of the pandemic, which is why we didn’t have the opportunity to bury her in a timely fashion. She had requested to be buried in Long Island, New York near family. And for many months, this just wasn’t feasible for our family (who live in three different states, none of which are New York).
Losing her obviously brought up many feelings for all of us. And to deal with challenges or sadness, my family has long used irreverent humor to lighten the mood.
For example, my mom used a motorized wheelchair towards the end of her life, and she had a playful sense of humor. She would often do “figure eight” patterns with her wheelchair when she was happy or excited to see us.
I realize this may seem odd, but after my mother passed (and before we had the chance to bury her), my sister Tarrin would sometimes place my mom’s urn on her robot vacuum. This was so my mom could “do some figure eights” around the living room just like old times.
We’d jokingly invite mom to come out and have coffee with us while we reminisced about old times. It’s the kind of joke that my mother would have loved, and it helped us to lighten the pain of losing her.
If you’ve lost anyone, the emotional upheaval is painful but expected. But what is bizarre and unexpected is the “business” aspect of one’s passing. There are many forms to fill out and protocols to go through that are emotionally draining. It often feels never ending.
I called Joe, the caretaker of the cemetery where our family plot is, to let him know that we would be coming to bury Mom.
Joe was upbeat and friendly as he gave me all the specifics.
“Oh sure,” he said. Please mail your mother to this address!”
He casually asked us to provide the death certificate and certificate of cremation.
We were to mail a check, which would probably arrive around the time that my mom’s ashes did. He made it sound so simple, as though we were talking about making a dentist appointment and not shipping the remains of a loved one.
My family divided the obligations. I would be the point of contact for the cemetery, while my sister would get Mom over to FedEx for shipping. (Does that last sentence sound as weird to you as it felt for me to write?) My Dad would order the headstone. I would organize the date and time of our memorial.
But twenty four hours before the memorial, my cell phone rang with a call from Joe.
“Hey Dougall, I am sorry to bother you, but I’m confused about where to dig a plot for your Mom. We have two headstones here with birth dates but no date of death listed.”
“What do you mean?”
“Well, do I bury her before or after Dougall Fraser Junior?”
I explained to Joe that he must be confused.
I am legally Dougall the third. My father Dougall is Junior, and he is very much alive. In fact he was sitting next to me in the car during this phone call with Joe.
After ten minutes of back and forth we decided to just drive over to the cemetery and clear up any confusion.
As we pulled through the winding street, passing headstones and other family plots, we finally found Joe’s car parked by the Fraser Family.
I greet Joe (who is wearing a t-shirt with the words “If you can read this, pull me back into the boat” written backwards).
We shake hands, and he’s as friendly as can be under the circumstances.
Then he says “I’ve never seen anything like this.”
I look down and indeed Joe is correct. There are two headstones for two of my family members who are VERY much alive.
“Oh, right!” my dad says. “I ordered that one for me, and the other one is for your aunt.” My dad says this with the same casual tone he might use when discovering a five dollar bill in an old pair of jeans.
“But dad, you’re still alive.”
“I figured it was better to have it all handled.”
I blink at my dad several times, then look back down at the tombstone with his name on it.
He planned for his burial. Of course he did! I’m hit with a variety of emotions. Part of me appreciates that my family plans, and that my dad is trying to make things easier for his kids when the time eventually comes.
But also, maybe this is too much planning?
It’s hard to describe what it felt like standing next to my living father, in front of his headstone that marks the very spot where he will be buried.
“Don’t you think this is a bit much Dad?”
“Not at all. I didn’t want you to be burdened with this later.”
I must give him credit for his lack of superstition. I think some people would be freaked out by seeing their own tombstone, or have fear that this is some kind of bad omen.
But, it also gave me a window into how I learned to process difficult things.
Planning can be a valuable tool for creating the life we desire. It can aide us in fulfilling our hopes and dreams.
But it can also be an indicator of how we manage stress.
Uncertainty is one of the most common sources of anxiety in people, and planning is a great way to reduce uncertainty. But it can go too far, and this dynamic also works both ways.
For example, rather than planning, others avoid things that make them uncomfortable. I have friends and clients who find it easier to avoid confronting an issue with a job, family member, relationship, or life situation.
Sometimes, it is helpful to give things time in the hope that an issue will resolve itself. And avoiding a confrontation can work in the short term. But as time goes by, constant avoidance can create a steady anxiety that builds.
I share this because looking at our relationship with planning/avoidance can be a quick energy assessment.
If you’re like me and tend to over plan, maybe it’s time for extra self-care. Part of my journey involves letting go of the unknown and releasing the attachment to control.
Trust-building affirmations help us handle and manage anything that comes our way.
Here’s one of my favorites: I trust the timing of the Universe.
But if you avoid planning at all costs, look at the momentum related to your goals.
If you feel stalled or like things are not moving the way you want, a bit of planning may just be the solution.
In my case, I’m working to find a balance between planning and being spontaneous. I think the healthiest approach involves both.
What about you? Are you more spontaneous, or more of a planner? Let me know in the comments!
Much Love,
30 Responses
I am a bit of both. I like to plan things so I know what’s coming. However, the people I like to go with are not planners. So, like you, I am trying to adjust. I also do like to do some things spontaneously. For myself, I can do this when I want to.
Aloha Dougall, I love being spontaneous and I do plan sometimes. Moment to moment I ask what is purposeful and right to do. When I travel, I pick a place to go and dream of eating great food and experiencing places I see in magazines, etc. Then when I get there, it is fun and I go with the flow. That is part of the excitement and joy. I end up meeting beautiful local people who are generous, kind and share their culture with me. Love your blog! Mahalo nui loa! Olelo pa’a
Thanks for your comment Olelo, I love your intuitive approach. 😃
I agree Cheryl, being flexible helps a lot. 💙
I am a bit of both but, for sure, I do plan for trips , mainly if they are international. I am one of those that arrives 3 hours before, at the airport, despite of being TSA approved…
It drove me up the wall when my husband and I went on a road trip and we had no hotels booked. He told me it wouldn’t be a problem finding a hotel, in the mid of summer, on Eastern WA. I tried to relax and be positive but it was a bit hard. And, guess what???? On the first town we stopped for the night there was only ONE room available in ONE hotel. According to the concierge, they were having the Bar exam that week and all Law students were there!! The look on our faces, for different reasons, was really funny now that I think of it: he had the guilty look and I had the puzzled (but triumphant) look. In the end, everything worked out fine and we learned something about ourselves and each other.
Sounds like it was a great learning experience Andrea! 💜
I’m definitely more of a planner and I am mortified when I’m late. I always tell my kids, if you’re not 10 minutes early, you’re late. I feel like being on time is a sign a respect for the person or situation, and myself. It’s just easier to plan my life accordingly. I’ve taken to telling my husband that things start 30 minutes before they actually start. It has saved a ton of grief as we leave the house.
I totally agree Danette, it is a sign of respect. 💙
I would ideally say that I would like a bit of both. Mostly I am a planner. I learned that from my mom. We always looked forward to things as they were planned and on the calendar hanging on the fridge. My Mom would throw some surprises now and then, but I bet she planned those too.
As Danette stated in her comment, about her husband, my Mom would always have to tell my Dad that things would start an hour earlier so we could get there on time.
I also have to say in regards to the tombstone, most all of my family had their name written on there when they were alive. (My relatives said it was easier that way to have it placed at the same time their other half passed away. And why not get the whole family done. Very odd when I first saw it.)
How funny (and shrewd) that your mom would give your dad an earlier time! I agree Elias, planning ahead gives us something fun to look forward to on the calendar. Thanks for sharing. 💚
I am a planner when it comes to travel. 2 hours early at airport, hotel and car reservations are never left to chance. When traveling as a family of 4, I would have 2 indoor activities and 2 outdoor activities planned. Depending on the weather we would go and do what we felt like doing more. Now with my husband and I traveling more just the 2 of us, I am more spontaneous with the activities. Love this blog post,Dougall, the title definitely drew me in.
Sounds like we’re similar Debbie, and I’m happy to hear that you’re making more room to be spontaneous as well.
This is interesting and timely. After a close friend passed at age 50 a few years ago, then my dad, it made me want to plan things for myself and button up my own funeral planning. I did something last year I never thought I’d do: Buy a columbarium niche for my husband & myself. It is very calming and peaceful knowing this is all taken care of and all my people have to do is refer to the death binder and make some phone calls! Now, with regard to travel and life, I am planning much LESS and winging it far more. Interesting shift. I agree this all has to do with how we manage uncertainty. My favorite quote from “Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Universe” is “We demand rigidly defined areas of doubt and uncertainly!”
I totally get it, and it sounds like you’re taking a balanced approach to planning. Love the quote!
I love this, I mean I really do at the way in which some generations do things. My Father planned the entire thing for himself and my Mother, for which I am grateful he did. Did it freak me out seeing his name on a headstone, no, I simple thought okay this is where you want to go when it is your time. He was quirky and funny now that I reflect on it. Then of course I didn’t know then what I would then be responsible for after her passing. I love my Mom heart and soul and treasure all of our memories, she was a great storyteller of which now I see why I love writing my own stories and doing what I do. When Dad passed 7 1/2 years ago, I smile and say good job Dad for planning and taking care of things for me. Being a planner is who I am, knowing ‘my stuff’ is already taken care of, then I can now say, not sure who will be left to take care of what then needs to be as right now I have better things to do and take care of and most importantly to have fun doing what I do, knowing my time and the clock keep ticking away to having fun for as long as I can and will. Thank you Dougall for all you do, the light that you shine. Love and Blessings xoxoxo
Thanks for sharing Janet, sending you lots of love. 💜
Great blog. I’m definitely a planner. But I realized recently that doing so limits my access to intuition and being open to blessings. To that end, my husband and I are one week into a 2 month vacation, where we only planned endpoints and places we want to visit but we didn’t book hotels or decide where we want to be on a certain day. It’s been uncomfortable at times but each time I reminded myself to let go and see what happens. Strangely enough, one of the unexpected blessings was a chance to visit the Flight 93 Memorial in Shanksville PA.
You have a great point Joe! It makes sense that planning too much could possibly limit spontaneous blessings. It’s fun to leave some space for the Universe to surprise and delight us!
It is amazing how different people are in this respect! I am a planner but have a terrible time with being on time. When my son was in elementary school, I’d say to him – “OK, Nick, I’ll see you at 4 this afternoon.” At age 7 he would answer, “OK Mom, see you at 4:10.” :oP So embarrassing!
Both my parents were horrible at getting places on time, although my mom meticulously planned our family trips which often involved camping, so it was pretty important to have all the needed pieces! My parents were always late because they were always trying to accomplish one more thing. To them, sitting and waiting for something to start was time that could be better used being productive. Unfortunately, that belief most often translated into throwing everyone in the car and driving like a bat out of hell to get somewhere 30 minutes away in 20 minutes. Talk about increasing your stress level!
Needless to say, they didn’t spend a lot of time sitting and relaxing. I remember one year I really wanted to encourage them to put their feet up and chill more often so I gave them a massage cushion for one of the living room chairs. They both kind of looked at it in confusion and said “What in the world would we do with this? We don’t sit down that much.” Oy vey!!!
After 50 years of practicing, and trying to shake off my parents unhelpful habits of time arrival practices, I’m much closer to being on time but I have to say I’m hardly ever early for things (except flights). My mantra was “you’re not really late if you’re there within 10 minutes of the time.” :0P
I had a friend who would get seriously pissed if I was even 1, 2, or 3 minutes late, which of course was mystifying to my – as I thought – what’s 1-3 minutes? We didn’t remain friends very long. 🙁
Thanks for this blog post!
Thanks for sharing with us Linda, you’ve gained a lot of insight on your journey! 🙏🏻
Thank you very much for your great blog, Dougall-San.
Reading your blog, I realized that I am spontaneous to the things on my own but more planner to the things with someone else. And when I am planner I become tired since I expect too much.
I am just about traveling next week with my sisters for the first time since childhood (it sounds weird but Japanese kids travel alone), and I was so much planner for the past weeks. That’s because I wanted them to have wonderful time but I realized that is not required. It is already a full of gratitude that we get together for a special journey.
I trust the timing of the Universe!!
Thanks, Dougall-san!
Thank you Hitoko-san! I agree, let’s trust the timing of the Universe. ✨✨
Love you Dougall I still go to doctors 30 minutes early it’s in my brain. It’s hard to change. After so many years.
Love you too! And I’m sure the doctor is appreciative that you’re so punctual. 🧡
My wife and i are 180 opposites. She is a world traveler and i have not had the opportunity. So when we decided to travel to Croatia she suggested to only book our first and last stay at B&B’s. Well this created a story in my head of fear, what if’s and everything else that could go wrong. Instead, it was lovely, our stays at every single B&B was peaceful and supportive from our hosts. I learned to go with the flow and now i look forward to being a traveler and not a tourist so we can meet and connect with cultures without fear, well maybe a little. I have changed my wording from fear to exciting or thrilling. It helps. Thanks for asking this thought provoking question Dougall.
Thanks for commenting Theresa, it sounds like you and your wife balance each other beautifully. And I love the way that you changed your wording into more empowering expressions. 💜
Spontaneous? About as much as a rock. Impulsive with a side of OCD, ADD, PTSD and a host of other conditions perhaps. Organized planning type of person on behalf of myself uum, no. On your behalf might could be!
Tic TOC. What’s the rush. Plans of action?HA ha ! I Laugh at them and wave at the time schedule as it passes by. A friend once described my top speed as a mosey at best. If you need me on a specific day and time; pad it. If said event is on Tuesday at 2p regular time it = Monday at 12p Katie time. I’ll skip the deeper explanations. Now it’s a whole other story if I have to do for you. By 11:30a I would have completed breakfast shower dressed 1 load of wash in dryer, 2 of your credit cards would have been renegotiated, cell phone plan reorganized, child support cut from 67% to 34%. Yo everyone needs to survive because 70% of 0 = exactly. AND isn’t a little bit of something a whole lot better than a lota bit of nothing? And the beat goes on. I wish I could do for me as quickly and clearly as I do for you, just could never get it together. Unless I was actually making travel arrangements. Vacation, business, air, train, bus, walking. Groups, singles, one day multi day inclusive semi or all. Special requests or accomodations negotiate fares, rates, manipulate flight schedules to maximize savings using creative connections, b2b ect ect. Anyways I’m prattling on again. As Pastor Murray on Shepard’s Chapel would say I’m being a ratchet jaw. Ah well. I am what I am and that’s all that I am.
Dougal I don’t understand something. Actually that’s a lie cause I don’t understand much. This is weird because I have never felt this way before and it happened again today. In this post you said, “When my husband David and I were first dating”,. When ever I read ,my husband David and I, sentences I always get a feeling of comfort, belonging, goodness of something that always was and will be, the sensation of oneness but also separate so that the wind can blow between the pillars of the temple. And although I’m just an observer I’m picking up these vibes. Why? Am I hallucinating or having a menapausal moment like a hot flash?
IDK I hope I’m not overbearing. Just one last thing before I end my never ending novel ~ yesterday was my Dad’s Birthday and in 10 days it’ll be his death day. How was I able to predict down to the minute when it would happen? And this is the important part today my sister had to take her dog and send him to the Elysian Fields. I told her I would send her peace, calm and love. How can I do that when even now I’m crying because of the loss? And by the way how are yous guys doing with yours. (loss)
Thanks for the comment Katie! To answer your question, I do think it’s possible to pick up energy and a “vibe” just by reading someone else’s words. It sounds like you’re empathic and intuitive, which is a good thing! I’m sorry to hear that your sister is losing her dog, and the truth is that we will always miss our furry friends. Please send her our love and let her know that it will get better with time. 🧡
Hi Dougall!
My parents are also from New England; specifically New Hampshire. I believe it is a “Yankee” trait to have your funeral and burial pre-paid. This includes the gravestone purchased, carved, and placed in the family plot in the cemetery. The surviving relatives have only the end date left to add. For my parents, Depression Era children, it might also have been a cost saving move to have everything pre-paid.
As far as other aspects of life, I think I am a blend of both planning and procrastination. When we travel, my husband and I will sometimes book a hotel ahead of a trip, or begin driving and call a hotel within an hour’s drive away. Less often, we will drive to a city and then look for a hotel. As retired people, we have the time to be more spontaneous. One trip, we were so excited to go that we inadvertently left a day early. Arriving at the hotel we were told our reservation was for the next night! So then we asked, (a retired person question) “What day is this?”
LOL!
Hi Marysue, it sounds like you’ve hit a great balance between planner and spontaneous! 💙