Can you believe that it’s November? The seasons are changing! We’ve watched the leaves changing, had fires in the fireplace, and cooked comforting soups on the stove. As usual, for months my family has also been talking about what we are going to do for the holidays. Seriously. This year we hit a record and in February my aunt asked what my plans were for Christmas. The details of our upcoming holiday family gatherings are always eagerly, sweetly and zealously pointed in my direction. It’s not that I don’t enjoy planning for the holidays, but I notice that it takes me out of enjoying the present moment with them.
I vividly remember my grandmother planning months in advance for Christmas Eve. We’d be visiting with her at the end of the summer. I’d run back to her house from the lake and barrel into the kitchen, to find my Nana perched at the table with a pen and paper.
“What are you doing Nana?” I’d ask.
“I’m doing the seating arrangement for Christmas Eve sweetie,” she would reply.
“But it’s August?”
My nana would plan that meal for months. And you always knew who she was mad at based on where you were seated at the table. We traveled to see my Nana during the summer and spend time with her. Why was she alone in the kitchen planning our next visit? We’re here now, let’s enjoy this moment!
When my parents first got divorced, the main question was how to handle the holidays. Every child of divorce knows that the holidays can be difficult to navigate. It seems like every year feelings get hurt. Someone feels neglected, and issues from the past bubble up as the brussels sprouts are passed around the table.
With the wounds of the divorce fresh in our minds, my sister and I decided that alternating holidays with our parents would be an easy solution. For nearly ten years that is what we did and it went fairly well.
The tides shifted when my nephew was born. Now that there were kids in the equation, I wanted to see them during the year as much as possible. It is special to see the energy shift as these little souls entered our lives. I never would have imagined my divorced parents in the same room for Christmas, but everyone wanted to be where the kids were. It seems that every time I see those little tykes they have grown an inch, facial features have changed, and mispronounced words become full grown sentences. I adore them and want to be a part of it.
My sister’s son is now six, which means that we have come together as a family for the last 6 holiday seasons. Although I am glad to see the family together, it is stressful to try and please everyone. It must be very difficult to spend the holidays with an ex husband or wife, and I often end up feeling like a need a vacation from my vacation.
“What if this year we don’t celebrate any holidays with family?” I asked David one day.
“What do you mean?” he quizzically replied.
“Holidays seem to bring up a lot of feelings for people. Why don’t we do our own thing this year?”
We arranged it so that we will still see our families for the same amount of time, but it would not be centered around any holidays. This seemed like such a radical idea. What kind of person doesn’t go home to see their family?
As the holidays get closer and closer I am surprised by how much guilt I feel. Am I a terrible son? Maybe having a stressful family holiday is just the way that it should be? Then I allow my mind to fantasize about how relaxing it will feel to take several days off and not have to fly anywhere. We can cook meals at our own pace. There will be no running around, trying to make a flight in a crowded airport. I love the thought of David, our dog Bernie and I just listening to music and connecting with the family that we have created. I can’t wait to sit by the fire, watching the twinkling lights on our Christmas tree and the soft glow of our Hanukkah candles. And who knows, maybe I will miss some of the family excitement/drama.
16 Responses
Why shouldn’t you start your own traditions!!??!!
The holidays are about restoring energy’s…and for some of us that means with family, for others a vacation, or for me like you… every other year is a year off for me, myself and I.
Feelings may be bruised at first, but now its just the way it is,and some of my other family members have gotten in on the act and realized the value and zen in it.
A sabbatical from the holidays to relax and connect with your little family is nothing to feel guilty about in my book!
I hope you don’t cave enjoy it…lol
x Namaste
My favorite movie this time of year is Home for the Holidays with Holly Hunter and Robert Downey Jr. – that was SO my family!
The older I get, the more I actually love traveling during the holidays and not spending them with family. That’s probably awful, but there’s something about seeing places you’ve always dreamed of visiting with that extra sparkle all done up for the season that is just magical. Otherwise, I’m all for staying home and letting the family drama take care of itself!
Bravo Dougall! I can only imagine mustering up the strength to say “sorry family we are doing our own thing this year” To my surprise, my sister-in-law did just this! Wait, what??!! That’s what I was thinking! Aaaaahhhhh! (kicking myself for not saying it first) oh well, it seems that there has been so much drama within the family this year I really didnt want to do our own thing. I wanted everyone to get together so that relationships could be mended. I find myself trying to constantly fix things. I can’t help but to feel a little offended my sister-in-law is choosing to have they’re own thanksgiving after they were invited but I have my reasons as to why. So, while the sibilings along with their children are doing they’re “own” thing this year I have opened up my home to the elders in my life. My childrens grandparents and their older siblings. I find comfort in the presence of my elders. I feel like I can learn a lot from them and I cherish every moment I can with them while they’re still around. I feel sad for my children as they have many many cousins that they should be spending the holidays with. Don’t get me wrong, I am looking forward to a great thanksgiving and am hoping for many more great holidays. I wish you the best Dougall and a peaceful holiday!
Ever since we bought our first house as ‘young marrieds’, both the mother-in-laws passed the holiday entertaining torch over to us. For ALLLLLL holidays. At first it was exciting, but now… its great because we’ve got the young kids – BUT – guess who is doing the cooking and cleaning and finding of movies that both a G-ma would enjoy alongside a 10 yr old.
Last year for Thanksgiving we did something radical. We BOUGHT a turkey dinner from the local designer grocery store. Added a few elements of our own and VOILA. DONE. It was tasty, cheaper than DIY, and clean-up was a cinch. Nobody is a real fan of turkey and endless carbs in our merry group, so it was fun to try a new path.
Guess what we are doing this year???
Oh Dougall, I loved hearing your perspecitve and have been where you are now. I think there comes a point in time where it is important we create our OWN traditions. You came from a family of divorced parents which came with all of it’s own issues. My parents stayed married and probably shouldn’t have…tomAto…toMato. I think the imporant thing is to be with people that you truly love, who support you, and accept you for who and what you are. We have gone to Maui for the last severaly years, just me, My awesome husband, and our daughter and it has been AMAZING. We invited different relatives different years and that seemed to be the best rather than having the whole menagerie all at once! This year we have moved to Boulder and we are looking forward to a snowy Christmas…hopefully. Either way, we will be together and doing our own thing. Much love to you and yours and thanks for posting this! Something that is on everyone’s mind!
I love this and can totally picture how much fun you are going to have doing your thing. That feeling of guilt can come way to easy and I can definately relate as I think about how our holidays are going to go. Thanks for once again doing what feels right for you, no matter what!
My oldest daughter and I will be moving to Florida the beginning of December, We will be able to clebrate Christmas with my youngest daughter, her husband and my 2 grandchildren. Thanksgiving will be spent with the rest of my family in NH. I am leaving behind 2 daughters, 1 son and 4 grandchildren. Now that my children here in NH are all settled in loving relatonships, it is time for me and Sharon to make a new and easier life for ourselves. It has been nice getting rid of a lot of things that have been in our home of 26 yars but memories are portable and I know I will my family when they want to get away from the cold NH winters!
Dougall, good for you! Holidays are so charged up that changing the routine for happiness and sanity is a fabulous thing. Being married to a police officer has always made holidays a bit difficult, but I did the best to keep everyone, most importantly my sons, happy. Now that they are grown up, I find that the dynamics of the holiday changing. I hope that you enjoy Thanksgiving with David and Bernie!!! (((HUGS)))
Dougall, You and David will love this arrangement! As soon as our first child was born my husband and I stopped traveling to split time between families for the holidays. We told everyone they were welcome to visit us but that we wanted our children to wake up in their own home on Christmas morning. Since we usually lived in another state no one took us up on it which was fine by us! We visited w/ them every summer since both our families all lived in Seattle and we were the only ones that had moved away. When our children became teenagers and no longer woke us up at the crack of dawn I decided to wake THEM up around noon by playing Iron Butterfly’s “Inagaddadavida” very loud. Not very Christmassy but funny to everyone so much so that I still play it even tho they are in their 20’s. I hope you and David enjoy yourselves!
Dougall, sounds like a completely romantic and memorable holiday you have planned. Think of me as I make the dreaded car ride from Los Angeles to San Jose through cow poop country and alfalfa fields. But on the other end its so worth it, spending Christmas with just my 2 kids. It will be completely drama free, yeah. Happy holidays to all, and to all a good night~
I understand how you feel. I live on the West Coast with no other family here. I get invited to friends places for Christmas dinner, but several years ago, I started saying no and it has been the most liberating experience of my life. I now wake up the most joyful on this day than any other day. I owe no one anything, and I do what I want for the entire day that just makes me happy. I have come to look forward to Christmas day, so go ahead and give it a try. You might find you like it.
Dougall,
I can sense your trepidation on this one! Which, in my opinion, is 100% understandable! Any time we “break a mold” it’s as if we hear that all too familiar, yet not at all comforting, totally inaudible…”eeeeek!” Perhaps, on this occasion, these are the shrills of “Ghosts from Christmas’ past!”(yes, a rather sad attempt at a little “psychic humour” there!) All jokes aside, as a fellow sensitive, I can really empathize with the challenges of being highly attuned to others expectations and desires. Especially, on those occasions where following your own bliss… may mean letting a loved one down. It’s on these occasions that you just want to say “Trust me, I can be far more focused on loving you, if I’m not as busy processing all the energy, of everything that’s not being said!”. And, you hope they’d hear- that you’re not attacking their character, but, simply letting them know that it really is… “exhausting” for you! You want to add “I can see how much it means to you, to have us all together… and even though you think it must not mean the same to me… I’ve just come to realize- that the best gift that I can give to anyone this Christmas, is the gift of “actually” loving myself! I’ll be happy to share what I learn with you, that you may do the same!!;) So, yeah, I could be way of the mark here… in which case, um, sorry! and… Thank you!-for a really great self-therapy session.(lol) Although, my Christmas this year, probably won’t look a whole lot different than previous years… I’ll be happy knowing that “Peter and Paul” didn’t fly away… instead, they perched up… all cozy… in front of the fireplace! and, the only ruffling of feathers near… were those that fanned the flames… that held them dear!! Much Luvv;)
Happy Holly-days!
*Soulshine79*
p.s- while you’re putting another log on the fire… know that your “truth” is…
anothers *hope*
and *inspiration*.
Thank-you
I’m staying home by myself this year. I have family around but we don’t speak! I went to my nephews in Canada last year but ended up smacking his crazy uncle-in-law. So home with the cats it is this year! Meowy Christmas, ha!
Well Dougall, I understand your trepidation. I’ve thought sometimes of not doing the “family” thing, and then not gone through with it… so, BRAVO!!! I applaud your gusto and send all good vibes your way for those few days when you may feel uncertain as to your decision. I believe you have created your own little micro-family, and you have every right to enjoy the holidays without the whole clan if you feel like it. They will get over it, although I’m sure there will be a fair share of “I wish Dougall was here”, and “It’s just not the same without Dougall”, but you know what? Time marches on, and change is not only inevitable, but a harbinger of good things. So enjoy this year and all it has to offer to it’s fullest!!
I am taking my “husband” of 5 years home for the first family Christmas this year, which is a step in and of itself.. wish me luck!! Cheers and Dog Bless..(yes, I meant dog bless..) they are goodness incarnate. 😉
I wish I knew what I’ll be doing this year. This is the 2nd year of my separation ( not sure if he’ll ever file for divorce) and the holidays are really stressful now. I guess my little girl and I will work it out as we get to it.
I remember the Christmasses of my youth filled with cousins and Aunts and Uncles and Grandparents and later on friends or my Mother’s students would drop by Christmas Day and it was always a very festive and gift filled occassion full of love, laughter and music. And of course, Church..we always went to Mass Christmas morning…everyone was having too much fun Christmas Eve to even think about midnight Mass, never an option for the Kabas.
Being raised in Chicago, it was also a very white and cold Christmas most of the Holiday season. Living in California with my parents in their mid to upper 80’s and retired in their home in Miami…its a totally different deal. Seems like the family is spread out, some in Chicago, some in Miami…my Brother Jorge and I live in California. My parents are with us every year on Christmas and I’ve never been apart from them on a Christmas morning. Except during the years that we were separated – exiled from my parents and the country in which I was born – Cuba. My brother and I came alone and my parents came two years later. When I moved out of my parents house and left to live in NYC, I promised my Mother that no matter what I would always be home for Christmas. She is 85 yrs old and I’ve never broken that promise. And we have never been separated on any special occassion. Ever. I know my time with them at this point is borrowed, and precious. I will enjoy many Christmasses to come without them so while I have them alive and still mentally aware I want to wake up Christmas morning and smell my Mother’s expresso coffee and taste her cinnamon rolls and enjoy the look on her face when I surprise her with an unexpected little something.
It gives me great joy to be with my family. I wish we were all together as we were growing up every Christmas day. All the cousins, the Aunts and Uncles and Grandparents – many of whom now have long passed away. But their memories are always present every Holiday season. All throughout the year. Christmas without family for me, one day, which will be a very lonely hard winter. I’m so blessed to have them all, including nieces and nephews and the family I love, so close to me still. It makes the Family drama so much more fun when its shared by all! Happy Holidays!! xxx